I’ve definitely had to manage and navigate some pretty difficult relationships in my life.
But the most complex and complicated relationship, by far, has always been the one with myself.
It can be hard to find the necessary balance when you are your own worst critic. When you’re dealing with yourself, for instance, you may forget that there are such things as manners.
So I found a way to get along with myself, as I piled on the weight after my second son was born.
I learned to lie.
I learned to bend the truth, sugarcoat the negative, and make excuses for my own benefit.
It was like a full-time job. I felt like I was always “managing” the next crisis as The Queen of the cover-up, the Great Pretender.
Every day I had my plan of action.
If we were dining out, I already knew what excuse I would make up so that we could get a table instead of a booth. If I was getting on a plane, I already knew when I was going to approach the flight attendant for the seat belt extender, to avoid embarrassment of asking in front of any other passengers. It was exhausting.
I had excuses for everything. Full blown contingency plans for every possible scenario. For why I didn’t want to be in the photograph. For why I didn’t feel like going out. For why I didn’t want to go to my high school reunion. For why I avoided the carnival ride with my son. I got really good at covering, pretending, avoiding, manipulating, and juggling. So good in fact, that I actually started to believe my own malarkey. I learned that if you tell yourself something enough times, and you want to believe it, it eventually becomes easier and easier to buy your own deception.
It was like I was Alice, falling down a rabbit hole of denial, and telling myself I was going to land on my feet. Instead of drinking the “drink me” potion that makes you small, I had eaten the whole “eat me” cake, and now I couldn’t fit through the door to escape myself. I was trapped. I had boxed myself in, and the only way back to reality was to click my heels three times and say “there’s no place like home”……..
wait, wrong story………
Point is, we create our own reality, so why not use our powers for good, and not evil?
I had become so adept at hiding it all, that after a while I didn’t even see it any more, I just managed it. I didn’t see how far it had gone, or what it was costing me. I gladly paid the piper every day and tiptoed around the real issue, which was that, I was unhappy with myself.
That was the big secret that I did not want myself to know, because then, I would have had to do something about it.
So when you come to that breaking point where all of a sudden you realize that what you tell yourself matters, you can begin start to weave yourself a different reality. One where you actually drink the “drink me” potion instead. And once you believe in Wonderland, suddenly, you are able to find “One-derland”. Because “One-derland” is a state of mind, and not just a number. Stepping through the looking glass reveals the truth, and the truth is where you start to dismantle the facade. Denial can only thrive if you feed it, and I fed it until it weighed 293 pounds.
So I sat myself down, and told myself the truth……..and all the lies finally unraveled.
And now, I have a new address, since my relocation to One-derland. I love it.
Its nice here, and there is croquet……
and I have a weird neighbor that loves to throw tea parties.