The two most highly anticipated and dreaded words to tickle the ears of a compulsive spice-a-holic.
The two words that signal the beginning of the delectable holiday season.
The struggle is real.
It starts on October 1st with pumpkins, and ends in a peppermint flavored melt down that torches any illusions that I will be wearing anything other than regret come January 2nd.
And the Pumpkin Spice Faerie is the first harbinger of the impending onslaught of the spice inducing carnage.
She is the tell tale Dickens-esque ghost of holidays past that triggers my inner warning light and sends up my hazard flares.
Her appearance reminds me to tread carefully through the spice laden mine fields that lie out stretched between me and the first of the year…
And me and my pants.
“Hey, does this spice make my butt look big?”
And once the pumpkin spice season begins there is no stopping it. It kicks open the door to a succession of spices that leads to a never ending yearning temptation to partake in all things of spice.
A Spice-a-palooza if you will.
From October through December, I am the other Spice Girl…Hungry Spice.
The one who got kicked out of the band because she tried to eat all the other Spice Girls.
And once it has officially begun, my hackles go up, and my anxiety starts to rise….because I know what comes next. I know what is around the corner, and I know what it brings.
The pumpkin fest ramps up sometime at the end of August, and starts a spice avalanche that lasts all the way until the new year.
Pumpkin spice is the ketchup of autumn, and you can literally put it on anything- and it makes it taste better.
The Pumpkin Spice Faerie works overtime from October through December, and that bitch takes her job VERY seriously.
I mean, she puts that shit on everything.
If you talk to me January through September-
-Hey do you want these Triscuits?
But then on October 1st, all bets are off.
The Pumpkin Spice Faerie says-
“But what if I sprinkle magic pumpkin spice faerie dust upon them? NOW do you want these “pumpkin spice” Triscuits?”
Me: (eyes widening) “YASSSSSSS! Damn it!”
That’s what the spice does.
It turns ‘no’ into ‘yes’…and ‘yes’ into ‘YASSSSSSS!’
There is nary a product that does not have a pumpkin spice version of itself for “a limited time” available during this time of year.
Regular Oreos?? Pah-leese. I don’t need “regular” Oreos.
But put the words “limited time”, “holiday”, or “seasonal” on the box, and now you’ve got my attention.
Now, its special. Now it has spice.
Pumpkin Spice Cheerios? You’re killin’ me Smalls.
All of those things that tempt you not the whole other nine months of the year, all of a sudden, become irresistible due to the added “spice”.
Back in the day the beginning of Fall was like a starting pistol for the season of excess. Right around the middle of October, I always knew that by the time the new year rolled around, I would probably gain about 10 extra pounds. I used to joke that instead of counting in days or weeks, I counted down to the end of the holidays one pound at a time.
“Hey it’s only 9 pounds till Christmas!”
The Holiday Spice Glossary:
pumpkin spice-[aka: binge spice]
apple cinnamon spice-[aka: struggle spice]
mulling spice-[aka: the spice of life]
cranberry spice- [aka: I can eat as much as I want because its fruit spice]
winter spice-[aka: covers all bases spice]
sugar plum spice-[aka: are you kidding me spice]
peppermint spice-[aka: now your just being cruel spice]
gingerbread spice-[aka: big guns spice]
spiced eggnog- [aka: kill me now spice]
So when the pumpkin spice attacks, you don’t just have to defend yourself from the first wave, you have to keep your guard up all season long. Because that Pumpkin Spice Faerie does not work alone, she has back up.
Like a well synchronized network of tiny winged assassins waiting to spice up your life with flavor blasted spice grenades and brilliantly executed tasty aerial maneuvers. Devious culinary insurgents hiding in the foxholes of the grocery isles, just waiting to pounce.
And by the end of the spice assault, I can usually be found hiding in my pajamas, crouched behind a pillow wall, inside of a blanket fort waving the white flag of sweet surrender and plotting my epic New Years resolution for a legendary comeback.
But not this year.
This year I’m fighting back.
Spice Faeries be warned, I have an extra large flyswatter, and I’m not afraid to use it.
This year, the spice will not be my downfall, it will be my conquest. I will wield my tracker and my Fitbit in the face of spice adversity.
I will use words like “No thank you”, and “Not today special spice…NOT TODAY!”
This year, the 12 weeks of spice will instead be replaced by my 12 steps of Spice-a-holics Anonymous.
Because admitting you have a problem is the first step to overcoming it.
So here goes…
Hello. My name is Kellee Kate-
And I am a Spice-a-holic.