Category Archives: Humor

Of “Corset” Matters

We all have a list.

A list of things that we look forward to fulfilling and coming about, once we’ve hit our weight loss goals.

Most of these things are extremely poignant and emotional, like ridding ourselves of our medical issues and chronic pain.

We all have different reasons for beginning a path to wellness. 

Reasons that we know will benefit the quality of our lives in the long run. 

Reasons that are extremely profound, and will greatly affect the big picture of our every day existence.

And without putting too fine a point on it, these reasons are indeed the origin of Day 1 for most of us, and tend to provide us with our much needed initial motivations.

We all want to be healthy-

We all want to live our best lives-

And there is no doubt in my mind, that overall health is by far the most important benefit of weight loss.

But…. there is another list.

A secret list.

A secondary list, that maybe we tend to keep to ourselves, because, let’s face it, some of the things on this particular list can seem Continue reading Of “Corset” Matters

My Life as a Ninja

Weight Watchers has irrevocably changed my life.

I do not look at anything the same way that I used to…….. especially food.

Some things just have the power to take over your mindset, and permanently replace a former way of thinking.

Once I became a Weight Watcher, and food turned into points, the game had begun. It was a challenge that every day, I wholeheartedly accepted. An invisible contract with myself, to eat within the confines of my given points, and to strive to meet all of my Continue reading My Life as a Ninja

The Weight of Words

It was definitely up there on my list of bad decisions.

Probably in the top 10, come to think of it, somewhere between the crimping iron incident of 1988, and the time that I allowed my obviously drunk friend Cathy to pluck my eyebrows in a public restroom during a Violent Femmes concert.

And sometimes, you bounce back from these unfortunate forays into adulthood, and sometimes…not so much.

It’s hard to know why some of these things roll off your back Continue reading The Weight of Words

Confessions of a Zumba Marshmallow

A funny thing happened on the way to my goal weight…

Three years ago this week, when I walked into my first Zumba class, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. And by the end of that class, I had gotten my ass kicked so hard, that I was actually considering pressing charges.

As I was gasping for breath, and dry heaving in the corner Continue reading Confessions of a Zumba Marshmallow

The Upgrade

I had definitely outgrown the old model.

It had served me well enough over the years and fulfilled its minimum requirements, but it had limited capabilities, lower performance, and diminshing appeal.

I had driven it around my whole life, and it was time for a change. Time for something more lightweight, smaller, faster and more streamlined.

Somehow, I had ended up with a model that no longer fit my needs.  Continue reading The Upgrade

If Cinderella’s Slipper was a Snowshoe

It sounded fun.

For a half a second, when I made the plans, it actually sounded like it would be a good time. 

I have been wrong about many things before, but I have never been more wrong about anything, than I was about the snowshoeing.

Once upon a time, in the winter of 2002, we had decided that a snowy vacation in a new place would be a marvelous adventure. 

My oldest son, who was 7 at the time, wanted to take snowboarding lessons, so we packed up and headed to Whistler BC, Canada for a relaxing stay at the Whistler Village. 

I had every intention of sitting in front of a crackling fire at the Grand Lodge, drinking hot chocolate and admiring all of the “adventurous” people doing ridiculously adventurous things while freezing their asses off and slipping around on the ice Continue reading If Cinderella’s Slipper was a Snowshoe

The Secret Art of Camouflage

I was undercover.

I had spent the better part of a decade in hiding.

I was conveniently cloaked in my disguise, and had carefully crafted an existence where there were very few public sightings of me in my natural habitat.

Similar to the elusive migration of a wild jungle cat, I had roamed quietly on the outskirts of the tree line, and had learned to keep my distance from dangerous predators.

I was adept in the secret art of camouflage. Continue reading The Secret Art of Camouflage

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

It looked so small- that crevice in the rock- that tiny space between the two giant boulders.

I squinted as I sized it up. 

I had never made it past this point before. It was what stood between me and the part of this trail that I had never seen. It looked impassable, like a very tight squeeze. 

I stood there wondering why they called it “Fat Man’s Pass”, when clearly, a fat man could not pass. Was it supposed to be ironic? Kind of like when you call a fat guy Slim, nickname a big guy Tiny, or refer to a grumpy person as Miss Mary Sunshine? Continue reading Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Note to Self

It’s never going to be perfect, so keep your sense of humor.

It’s never going to be exactly how you pictured it.

For all intensive purposes, this is a new body. It’s not going to look like it used to look when you were in high school, when you last weighed what you weigh now. It’s a different body. This body has made babies. This body has scars. This body has a birthday suit that doesn’t quite fit anymore, because you stretched it out, and it’s still a little bit too big for the smaller person underneath. It’s wrinkly, and its worn, and has that “lived in look” Continue reading Note to Self